My goodness. Where do I even start.
It’s past midnight. It’s another night of not sleeping. And it was a long week today if you catch my meaning…
We’ve walked through gratitude, watchfulness, prayer, and abiding. Now we come to rejoicing.
We’re commanded to do it a.l.w.a.y.s.
Rejoice always
1 Thessalonians 5:16
What does that even mean? Much less how do we do it?
When disaster strikes, when our whole world has gone wrong… how do you make sure you’re always rejoicing? Especially if you’re grieving?
First, let’s define what rejoicing means.
In Greek, the word translated to rejoice is ฯฮฑฮฏฯฯ, chariรณ, (Khahโ-ee-ro) which literally means to be โfavorably disposed to Godโs graceโ (HELPS Word-studies). It is very similar to the words translated to โgraceโ and โjoy.โ
campdewolf.org
Grace. Oh my goodness, how I NEED grace daily from Him in my life. Without it, I can’t do anything He has asked of me.
But he said to me, โMy grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.โ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christโs power may rest on me. That is why, for Christโs sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV
About two years ago, my life took a very strange turn. If you have been following me in this blog or on my Facebook, you have likely seen and heard parts of my story. But if you’re new here, I’ll let you in on a huge part of my life.
I struggle severely with the equivalent to PTSD on steroids. It affects my memory, my ability to be present in the moment, my ability to work…
…my ability to be a mother to my kids.
In the last two years, if you watched from the outside looking in, you might assume I was losing it all. My house. My kids. My job. My mind.
My life.
And I did. You would not be wrong.
But I gained Christ in the midst of it all in a way that has propelled me forward through a process of healing and complete and total reliance on the Lord to help me d.a.i.l.y.
I don’t have the luxury of deciding what I’m going to do that day.
If I don’t lean on Him, I will find myself totally lost, not even knowing how I managed to get wherever I am. Sometimes, literally.
Dissociative identity disorder is the name of this precarious condition. And it is something you only end up with because of severe, ongoing, inescapable, inhumane, inexcusable, incredibly cruel and impossible trauma.
I am alive today because He Lives.
My memory is often reliant on the Holy Ghost to help me with things.
If I push too hard or do too much, I’ll end up like I did today.
In a car wreck. One where I didn’t see the car until after I hit it. For me, that car wasn’t there at all.
That incident on top of tremendous difficulty with my memory this week was an unexpected reminder of my exceptional weakness.
Without Him, I cannot do this at all. I cannot drive. I cannot write.
I cannot be a mom.
Now. Imagine the heartbreak. And this, my friends, is just a part of my testimony.
It is because of Him I live and move and have my being.
It is because of Him I am on a path to real and possible future healing.
It is because of Him that you are even reading this blog.
Because of His unending grace. His power made perfect in my weakness.
I have witnessed His enormous power more in these last two years than ever before in my life. He has always been with me. Trust. A child such as I could not have survived had He not been with me through so many things.
And so I run to Him again and again and again… always finding Him heart and arms wide open waiting for my time and my heart to be given over to Him.
Why do you see my tag line #allofmeforAllOfYou all the time?
Because of this very thing which I am currently telling you.
He asked me if I would lay my life down for Him. And being the ever honest child I am, I initially said, “No. But now I know what we’re going to be talking about.”
What’s the point of being dishonest with the ONE who intimately knows what even you don’t know about you?
This “No” would eventually become a “Yes”. But not just any yes.
A promise.
Yes. You can have it all. You have to help me. You know I’m a runner. You know I’ll get scared and You know I will fall. You know I don’t know how to get where we’re going. In fact I don’t know where we’re going at all. And You know not knowing makes my heart wary of it all. Because of trauma. You know it all.
So You can have it all.
And in exchange, my beautiful Savior…
I want All of You.
Because what I have come to learn about You is You never ask us to do anything You have not already done for us.
So if You’re asking for it all, then You must have it All available to me too.
So I want it. I want All of YOU.
In exchange for my WEAKNESS, I find YOUR STRENGTH.
In exchange for my desperation, I find YOUR GRACE.
There is nothing in this life worth losing You over. So the world can keep it all.
I choose YOU.
You can have it all. All of me. For All of YOU.
And in doing so I find myself abiding in the glory of Who You are in every circumstance.
Including when I can’t remember anything and I’m dissociating so badly I don’t see a car. And You know that scares me. To be so unable to function sometimes and at moments when I don’t expect it.
But PRAISE GOD for minimal damage to both cars considering what a t-bone style car accident could have been!
There were NO PASSENGERS where I hit the car.
All parties were unharmed. Both cars capable of driving away.
A nearby friend showed up to talk to me as we waited for the police report to be completed.
And for the first time in…ever…I was not alone. Not just having YOUR incredible peace that filled my soul, but a community of people that poked their heads out to check to see if all were okay, including me, a stranger in their town. And a friend who just happened to be close to where this happened in town.
So I rejoice.
I openly accept Your grace for me.
Before beginning this blog, I actually had no idea that’s what rejoicing would mean. But it makes perfect sense.
With grateful hearts, we watch over what You prepare for us. And anything we are watching over, when we yield it to You in prayer, we find ourselves abiding in You and Your Will. For it is Your Word that is faithful to perform all You send it to do. And You watch over Your very Word to see it through. Christ interceding in Holy prayer on our behalf before the Father, ensuring we are abiding in Christ and Him in us.
And as we find ourselves abiding in Christ, if indeed we do, there lies the open invitation of His great and precious sacrifice which was made for all mankind.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faithโand this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God
Ephesians 2:8 NIV
The open offering to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. All of you for all of Him.
I can tell you a true testimony.
He is worth it. And He thinks you are too.
For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2b NIV
Do you see that? He, in the midst of GREAT SUFFERING, endured it ALL for the JOY set before Him.
He is grateful for you. He watches over you. He prays for you! He wants to abide in you! And He rejoices over you!
It’s as though CHRIST is saying, “All of ME for ALL of you,” in all He said and did for us on the cross, never forsaking His promise to rescue us.
How could I not find myself rejoicing? In pain. In grief. In suffering. In weakness. In trials. In struggles. In tribulations. I AM because HE IS THE I AM.
This blog exists because a little more than three weeks ago, I asked Him what to do that day. I came with a list of things. When He spoke the word “blog” to me, I joked that was not one of the options on my list.
And then, blog I did.
I would not choose me for many of the things He has. But that does not matter. What matters is He did. So I yield. I yield to my Savior and my King.
All of you for all of Me.
Yes, Lord. All of me for ALL OF YOU.
“Blog.”
Yes, Dad. I did.
And it’s all Yours to do whatever You want with.
I pray you have enjoyed this Little Fox series. It was all His idea. And I have learned from it myself. All because one day, I tripped down the stairs and twisted my ankle in a little hole. If you have not had a chance to read the other Little Fox blogs, the links will be below. Leave us a comment if this series has touched you, and may ALL the glory, honor, and praise be unto Our Holy Gracious Lord!
It’s the Little Holes that Trip You Up
Little Fox No. 1: A Lack of Gratitude
Little Fox No. 2: A Lack of Watchfulness