Intimacy No. 1: Weakness

What does it mean to be weak? What does this have to do with intimacy?

I have no idea. God just said start writing. So let’s find out…

weak

1. Lacking the power to perform physically demanding tasks; lacking physical strength and energy.

2. Liable to break or give way under pressure; easily damaged.

Dictionary from Oxford Languages

Oh, man. How I relate heavily to both of those statements.

I had once risen in the financial ranks to the coveted role of CFO before the age of 40. And a woman no less. It was a feat I was genuinely proud of. But not for the reasons you might think.

I had no original desire to be management of any kind. Zero. I remember being asked if I would ever consider management, and I replied with a resounding NO.

So then, why did I move into those roles?

Because my family needed me. We needed the financial breakthroughs. And I was suddenly offered an opportunity I did not want. I mean strongly did not want.

And I accepted it.

For them. For the ones I absolutely loved.

This promotion would do several things. It would catapult me to the top of my field in my niche arena. Middle market private equity companies in need of a finance officer that could also serve as human resources, overall pep talker, employee developer, manager of managers, and I can’t forget, personal life coach and counselor.

In the end, I loved it because I was really good at it. It was my strength. One of the greatest strengths I had. And I was taking care of the ones I loved. Financially, at least.

Unbeknownst to me, this need to financially care for my family cost me my family.

Oh the painful irony. The action taken… the one you did not want, but had to take… cost you the very ones you were trying to help protect.

And then I lost myself.

I broke completely. A marriage falling apart. Children I could no longer connect to because of the late nights I was now required to keep. The household needs that I just couldn’t keep up with.

And I broke.

Several years would pass, and two divorces and one horrible relationship later, the same pattern continued. All I had to offer anyone it seemed was financial stability. I could definitely pay for things.

Oh my gosh, I was paying for it. A price I didn’t even know how deeply it burned me until the day I broke harder.

No one was taking care of me. Especially not me. I had ceased to be a me. I had ceased to be.

And I would, through horrific circumstances, discover the earth shattering, life altering, career ending reality that I had DID – DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER.

Yes. Multiple personalities.

Dear church people. Please hold your demonic possession commentary. Politely with love, you do not know what you are talking about. That is certainly part of it. But you are damaging people by forgetting that PEOPLE DID THIS TO ME.

Trauma. Horrific trauma. Deep violations of every type of intimacy imaginable. And sudden flashbacks, personality rotations, and a complete loss of everything normal to me and kaboom.

Suddenly… already weak. I had also lost my core strength.

My ability to provide. Anything.

And this would begin the deepest, longest, darkest period of my adult life. Betrayal. Of everyone. Abandonment. From everyone.

Soul thrashing pain I could not bear.

I was not only weak. I was suddenly completely dependent on God to take care of me.

I reached out for help. To those who think I didn’t. Oh. I was crying out for help for months.

It was met with worse than silence. It was met with criticism. Slander. And “I know God will help you out.”

Guys. God uses PEOPLE to help us out!

But when you are left completely alone. And I am not exaggerating this. This was the most awful period of my adult life. In that aloneness, I gave up.

Weak.

I couldn’t take care of anyone. I couldn’t take care of myself.

And as it turns out, everyone I had helped was unavailable to help me out.

My heart breaks even now to remember this time frame.

Why is God having me write all this out?

I have no idea. Let’s just go with it and find out.

Weakness, as it turns out, led me to total suicidality. I even told a friend after one cutting episode… something I had never done before, but I had been thrown through a wall that night so. Why not. And their response was to be angry with me.

So I shut up even further.

I tried checking myself into a hospital.

Within one hour of being there I was being accused of shooting up heroin (I had had an MRI that day and it was from the contrast dye they used…also….I don’t know much about heroin but I’m not sure it goes in your hip…).

“Stop crying, or we’ll put you on a mandatory 72-hour hold.”

A lot of medicine later and I was able to hold in the tears until a psychiatrist could get me released from the hell hole that I thought would help save my life.

I would go on to try to commit suicide over 7 times. Before I figured out how to. That human desire to survive is strong man, I am telling you.

But here I was. No one wanted me. No one would help me. Not even the hospitals that are on every safety plan every therapist puts together.

I was completely convinced everyone would be better off if I was just gone.

No one talked to me anymore anyway.

So I ran to God. But not in the way you normally think when you hear that phrase.

I mean. I was so broken-hearted that I wasn’t even sure if He wanted me anymore. And I just asked Him to help me not exist. That’s all I wanted. To not exist. Not just here. But for eternity. All I could think was, oh my gosh. What a waste of Your time I was.

And so I died. I died and I will never be able to describe what happened when I died. I don’t know how these other people do it. I just. Guys.

He is. Unimaginably indescribable. And I don’t have a cool sensational story. I just beheld His glory. And I just was. And it was the first time EVER I felt LOVED WANTED AT PEACE.

I could have spent eternity in that space with You.

Then Jesus and I talked. I was told, “It’s a gift,” and He sent me back.

Now. Imagine. You’ve just committed suicide because life is horrible. You SEE THE LIGHT OF THE ONE TRUE GOD. YOU BEHOLD HIS GLORY. YOU FIND PEACE TO BELONG. YOU EXPERIENCE THE INDESCRIBABLE.

Then you are sent back. With a cryptic message from Jesus that something is a gift.

Suddenly, the previous darkness felt like light compared to the complete and total chaos that ensued immediately after my return.

DID. I have DID. I HAVE FLASHBACKS. I don’t know who I am anymore. My journals from that time period are INSANE.

“It’s a gift.”

What in the world? I was mad. I was sad. I was confused. I was more lost than I was before the suicide.

I was weak. And I mean. Absolutely and totally.

I still am. Even though so much progress has been made. Integration has happened in the most unexpected way.

Where am I going with all this? Hang with me. I think I see it now.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

It’s a gift.

What could He possibly mean?

Me. He means me. My life is a gift. To who? To you. I don’t do this for me. I don’t live for me.

I have beheld even just a glimpse of the Glory of our King, and HE IS HOLY. HOLY HOLY HOLY IS HE.

For almost a year and a half, I have become so completely dependent on the Lord to care for me. I mean the basic things. I have days I forget to eat or drink anything.

He gives me the strength to do basic things. He gives me the strength to say no to things that are just too much. He tells me when to rest and when to rise up.

See, I need Him like I need air to breathe. Because otherwise I stop healing and I stop functioning.

It’s a gift. What? The DID? No. Maybe. I don’t know.

But this story is a gift to you. From Him. From me.

That in complete and total weakness. I mean. From CFO to babe.

And what do I find?

The greatest Love I’ve ever known. One I will never compromise for. You want me here? Here I will be until the day You call me Home.

I’m here on a mission. I have an assignment. One I grasp to understand even barely and dare not say outloud.

All I know is this.

I have seen intimacy. I have been in it. I have been held by it. That’s the word I couldn’t find Father. I could never ever figure out how to describe what I experienced in Heaven.

It was intimacy, wasn’t it? THAT’S what intimacy looks and feels like, isn’t it?

In a moment of weakness, absolute and complete, what I found on the other side was INTIMACY. AND CHRIST.

Intimacy I have been working towards and didn’t even realize it. You’re trying to show me I can have here what I found in Heaven. That I can bring it to Earth.

Intimacy with the FATHER!

What’s the point of this blog?

I don’t care that it has turned out to be a work of self discovery for me. So that I might know one piece of what He is asking of me when all I see is weak.

He sees ME.